Terence Higgs

This is the worst day of my life.

It's so cold it feels like my bollocks have been transfigured into ice cubes.

Who cares about the damn turtle? Maybe if that bloke had a girl to take his mind off things I wouldn't have to worry about getting woke up in the middle of the night by him crrying over those damn things. There's plenty of slags around here, one of them should just give him a good fuck and problem solved.

The thing that's really pissing me off though are these fucking doxies. There's a really big hole in my wall now because of them.

January always is a shite month especially with my birthday in it.

I was made to do this against my will

Year: 2004. Or it was
Age: 29
How was your birthday this year? Awful, even though I don't remember much of it.
Make any new friends? Yes I guess so
Lose any friends? I don't know
And how was the world of romance for you this year? Different. In a good way
Occupation: Too many to name
Residence: 215 #3C
Pets: I found a weasel in my bathtub
Get any taller? Not really
Hairstyle for the year? Same as usual
Best outfit of the year? I don't know!
What did you do for New Year's? Got pissed, woke up in the bathroom of a muggle pub in Newcastle
What did you do for Valentine's Day? Tried to convince some girl that her boyfriend was cheating on her so she'd shag me. Ended up shagging her much less attractive single friend.
What did you do for St. Patrick's Day? No idea
What did you do for Easter? I don't even remember when it was
Where did you go on Summer Holiday? Fucking Spain and then fucking Egypt
What did you dress as for Halloween? The Playwizard bloke
What did you get for Christmas? Booze and pants and some other shite.
What are your plans for this New Year? Champagne and no one to bother me
Who are you going to kiss at midnight? Maybe the weasel
How do you want the new year to be different from this one? More money, less annoyances, less sunburns and less curses
How do you want the new year to be the same as this one? I don't know!

Thank fuck that's over with.

Swans are real bastards. Does anyone know how to get rid of them?

Lavender, I think I'm going to be late getting back from my break. I'm a little stuck up a tree and I lost my shoes and all I have is this stupid book somewhere.

I always forget how much I hate Christmas until I have to go shopping. Apparently, there's these things that people are going mental over so I grabbed the last one. These other two blokes weren't too happy about it and they let me know in a physical manner and it turned into a bit of a brawl. One of them took it so now I can't sell it to some desperate parents for ten times its worth. Fucking bastards.

If one more person asks me to sign their petition to stop people from smoking in places, I'm going to shove my pack of cigarettes down their throat until it comes out their arse and make them smoke them all. I'll smoke where I like and you can all fuck off.

Also, you people really need to stop getting married. You know most of you are going to end up divorced, right?

Oh and I'm working at Lavender's shop most of the time now. If anyone wants to take a holiday, you'll have to deal with old Mr. Fwooper Face now, probably, unless I happen to be there, but that won't be as much anymore. On the other hand, if you want a deck of tarot cards or something and you're not an idiot, I can help you over at her shop, shite I forgot what it's called, something stupid and cutesy.

( Private to Georgina )

I don't like Halloween. It turns people into bigger arseholes than usual. I don't get the costume thing, either. Maybe if I throw a pumpkin at someone I'll feel better.

Who knew punching a mime can get you arrested? Not me until about an hour ago.

If anyone would care to settle a debate, which name is sluttier - Daisy or Chardonnay?

Georgina, did you sneak into my flat this morning sometime? You're not trapped in a closet again, are you?

My stomach is killing me again, too. This is getting to be ridiculous.

Oh, Merlin, I feel like shite. Does anyone know a good potion for stomach aches? I must have eaten something that was a bit off.

What the fuck is this shite? A quarantine? If I die of Dragon Pox, I'm going to kill that kid. If I die of boredom, I'm going to kill that kid. In fact, I'm probably going to do it anyway! What the fuck are we supposed to do? Too bad Greyback is gone, he usually eats these things.

Mother fucking demon plants! Where did these damn things come from? And more importantly, how do I get rid of them? Is there some sort of plant killing curse? One for bees, too? Those bastards already stung me a few times. I can't even stay in my own shitty flat now! This is ridiculous!

If human beings were really meant to swim, we would have fins and scales and all that. I'm never so much as taking a bath ever again. And a word of advice - never let Georgina Bloxam try to teach you to swim!

( Cut for quite a bit of profanity )

This is the oddest fortune I've ever had in a fortune cookie before. "Scream car elephant young be much mangle." What does that even mean?


Oh shit!

I don't know how much longer I can take living here! First that damn marching band at a ridiculous hour and then the language thing. If that had lasted any longer I don't know what I would have done, but it may have involved sacrificing a small child to appease whatever entity that's behind all this! Now today, there's a bloody castle and children running around and screaming. The last thing we need is more children running around and screaming here!

Oh no! Someone stole all my beer and left the bottles out on the table! That is not on!